hmm Well having read over my last entry Im not sure if I should be feeling pleased with my candid honesty or not.. I guess one thing the entry does is firmy establish that drugs abduct ones sanity of mind. Not that I would deny my failings in character but to advertise them to everyone is not something I am wholly comfortable with either.

 

On somelevel I hope that by keeping a record of these experiences will help not only myself byut hopefully anybody else who may read it and is thinking abopuit making the terrible choices that io have.

 

 

I have been using herion for just over 6 weeks now, and I have been trying to stop using it for just over 5.  I have had 3 serious attempts 1 as an inpatient and 2 times at home. Never before in my life have I put my mind to something and failed, never.

 

I have never been much fo the whole evil label however one would be hard pressed to find a more befitting character than herion. 
 
Like a scene out of one of the Grijms fairytales...  The weak and helpless- Societies orphans walking weary and without destination down one of lifes many sadden lost roads. Then she appears the ulitmate beauty complete with alluring harasmaitic charms promising happiness and contentment to the grieved and unsettled, her welcoming arms giving warmth and comfort, her soothing presence offering peace and calm to the troubled and worried mind. The fallen wreckages have no defence agianst her lying helpless before this overwhelming etherial being no longer can they see their society home back down the path  they have trodden it is justa distant blur and so they succumb and without any delay they are stripped of life and become her mindlessslaves, reliinquishing their free will to her most uncompassionate and treachours claws.

The euphoric rush is near indescriptive, the pleasure far beyond the scope of ourt meager language. But equal to the pleasure is her destruction. As I detailed in my last quilling it is without exception  each morning more often than not even before my eyes have lifted to the light of day I have thoughts of her incessent non relenting screamoing deamnding thoughts for herion.... I cannot helkp but feel greif for my own condirtion when i compare this to every other morning I have had true fortune to excperience over the past 5 years... Every morning my first thought has always been without fail of my son.. always.. till now. How anything could encroach upon somehting so sacred and trreasured... Thyere is no greater a soul destroying evil than that which intrudes into the precious sancturary nos a motherf and childs bond.. 

 

Overall it was a pretty average kind of day. It started like so many other days I have endured over the past 2 months with exhausting and painful aches throughout my body my ams swollen with fliud rendering them almost completely incapble of any fine motor acivity. The waves of cold chills flowing from head to toe every few minutes each one leaving a trail of perspiration in its wake. The mind incapable of  all but one thought "Herion"  My bed once again has served as a place for me to  maraniate in my bodys betrayal of self,  the bedsheets are wet through and cling to me as I crawl oput from under them. Cursing myself for not preparing my mornings dose the night before. I stumble to the draw and fumble around getting a spoon some cotton a pick a lighter and fuck it no more sterile water left.. the kettledown stairs the exertion needed to carry outthat task far beyond the cpacity of my body in that state, not to mention the time involved which wiuld delay me even further. Opting instead to risk a dirty hit and use tap water from the upstairs bathroom. My fingers do their best to key in the numbers to the safe it takes 3 goes but a success nonetheless. The door opens and there lying within it is my relief to this physical and mental angiush. I stand as a slave beaten into submission before the foul soul destroying mud which has made me barren of any dignity or self respect. Picked up and cradled with an almost motherly care and then carefully placed onto the spoon. The battle to remain still not to spill it incresing with difficulty with every coold chill. As the mix heats and disdolves it fuels my anticipation my heart starts beating faster my thoughts exciting my body with flashes of past hts the excitment peaking as the tornaque wraps around my body knows full what t to happen my figers swollen working as fast as possible to get it in. the cool steel slips under my skin with such a familiar ease before any visiual conformation I know I am in, the  act  so often repeated  making me well experienced and acutely aware of the slighest of feelings beneath the skin. A short pull on the pick and Bingo! Thick dark red  blood swirls in and fills the pick up a little more. The tornaqyue recoils with snap at its release and the liquid of nothngness is without need pushed into the rushing current becoming one with life blood as it surges throught out the body Whack! brain is hit  ... sounds die out... a euphoric numbness envelopes me, the aches and pains shakes and chills long gone, my eyelids enjoying the challenge they now have in opening and the complete ease in wich they fall to a close, the racing heart and panting breath have also become willing victims each breath a long and timely event which synchronises perfectly with the wholly relaxed beat of the heart. I hae once again surrenderred to her and lie defeated in this euphoric paralysis....
acher
My futile struggle ceases and with that her deathly grip eases a tear or two have left their saltly trail down my cheek each drop holding recollections of who I once was ....